As I prepared for a recent podcast interview on burnout, I reflected on my experience in the corporate sector ten years ago. Yes, much of my burnout was caused by the ridiculous demands of my job at the time, but I now realise I played a part in the unreasonable and unrealistic demands I placed on myself.
Burnout happens on two levels. There are the external forces we experience (e.g. the demands of work, children, family and life etc.) and the internal pressure we put on ourselves to respond to those forces. If you struggle to say no, set boundaries, and let things be imperfect or fall over, you have a recipe for burnout.
Studies have shown that women struggle more than men with this issue. That’s certainly been my experience with clients and friends. Women also seem to struggle more with perfectionism, people-pleasing, and over-responsibility to others and their feelings. We often carry more of the mental and emotional load at home as well.
You want me to work overtime again tonight? Sure! Want me to babysit your fur baby on my one night off this week? Of course! You’ll be upset if I don’t come for lunch on Sunday? In that case, I’ll be there. Yes, of course, I can bake 24 cookies for the school fete by tomorrow!
Without boundaries or the ability to say ‘no’, we will drown under the weight of unnecessary responsibility and other people’s expectations. And what makes it harder, is that we’re rewarded for being nice and agreeable with comments like, “She’s amazing, she’s so nice, she thinks of everyone else”. All the while we’re seething with resentment and fighting off exhaustion.
In contrast, when we do find our ‘no’, it can trigger other people’s discomfort around their inability to communicate their needs. So we might be labelled as difficult or ‘not a team player. We need to change this narrative; with ourselves and how we speak about others. And while it might seem like we can’t win, it’s less about winning and more about building a healthy relationship with ourselves.
Yes, you can solve the problem by changing your job, moving away from an overly demanding family member or getting a new partner. Still, unless you change people-pleasing behaviours, there’s a good chance you’ll take them into your next role or relationship and repeat the same pattern.
Wherever you go, there you are.
Below you’ll find my top seven tips to help you avoid burnout in your own life. These are based on my own recovery journey, and it’s taken me a long time to get to the point where these are (mostly) second nature. Be gentle with yourself as you read, and if something really jumps out at you, that could be a good place to start.
1. Learn to say no and communicate your boundaries
Whether it means saying no to more overtime at work, declining an invitation from family or not picking up a call from a friend, you don’t have to be available 24/7 to everyone in your life. You have limited time, attention, resources and energy. Use them wisely and engage good boundaries to protect them.
2. Let go of the need to prove yourself
If you constantly feel the need to prove your value, worth and position, you’re going to be in for a world of pain. When you know you’re already okay, and there’s nothing to prove, you can take your foot off the gas, let go a little and enjoy the ride. Separate your identity and worth from your productivity and achievements. You are not what you do.
3. Learn to ask for help
Yes, you’re a strong independent woman, but you’re also a human being, and that’s a messy business. No one has it all together, and we ALL need help sometimes. Asking for help is a sign of strength, courage and leadership. It shows that you’re secure enough in yourself to admit when you don’t know something, or you’re struggling. And if you’re someone who loves to help others, why deny them the privilege of helping you when you need it?
4. Understand your responsibilities
Women seem to carry so much on their shoulders and hold themselves responsible for the home, workplace, and families…I could go on. Let go of the idea that other people’s feelings or happiness are your responsibility. It doesn’t mean we stop caring; it just means we don’t spend our lives doing the physical, mental and emotional workload for others. Don’t overperform when someone else has a pattern of underperforming. Have a conversation with them or let them feel the consequences of their actions. Worry about and focus on your own life and well-being.
5. Let go of perfection and let things fall over
You bought cookies for the school fete instead of baking them? Excellent. You handed in a paper at work that wasn’t quite up to your usual standard? Great! You do not need to worry about or give 100% to everything and everyone in your life. Perfect is subjective. It’s also the enemy of done. Learn to regularly ask yourself ‘How important is this?’
6. Remember, the less is more principle
I am often shocked by the number of things people try to squeeze into their lives at once. It’s easy to overestimate your capacity, especially when you’re excited or passionate about something. But more is not better. Learn to prioritise the things that really matter to you and let go of the rest. You can always come back to something later. Yes, you’ll need to make some hard choices, but you’ll also be free to wholeheartedly engage in the things that align with your values. Aim for quality, not quantity.
7. Learn to sit with discomfort
To continue growing and evolving, you will need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. This is where meditation and mindfulness can help. Whether it’s sitting with another person’s pain without trying to fix it. Saying no to someone you love. Or having a tough conversation with your boss, getting comfortable with discomfort is necessary to living a full and wholehearted life.
Claire Nettley
Claire is a Coach, Teacher, Speaker and the founder of Better Boundaries. She helps her clients to find their 'no', speak their truth and overcome the people-pleasing pattern so they can show up wholeheartedly and authentically in their lives.
