Defensiveness and Why it Wreaks Havoc in Your Relationships

When I recently fell in love, I entered into the relationship with equal parts joy and trepidation. I was acutely aware that I was bringing emotional baggage with me. Still, it wasn’t until I started experiencing the painful reality of an attack-defence cycle with my new partner that I knew I had to face my demons. Conflict within relationships is often caused by deep-seated pain that we hold onto from our past and present encounters. When these wounds are triggered, we automatically do and say whatever we can to protect ourselves. But why is it so easy to fall into a habit of defensiveness, and what can we do to break this destructive cycle to make room for a more satisfying connection with others.

Defensiveness is a habit we fall into when we perceive a potential threat to our sense of self. It is a coping mechanism that protects us from feeling the pain of perceived criticism. Anyone can become defensive at times, but it is often highly sensitive people or those who suffer from low self-esteem who have the most trouble with reigning in their defensive reactions. Unfortunately, defensive behaviour in a relationship can make it impossible to develop the deep and soulful connection with our mate that we long for. On top of that, feelings of disconnection can make a sensitive person already suffering from low self-esteem even more insecure, thus perpetuating their defensiveness, creating a vicious cycle. As overwhelming as this knee-jerk reaction can feel, defensiveness is a habit you can change, and it starts with opening your heart and responding more compassionately to your loved ones.

Allowing yourself to be more vulnerable to others’ thoughts likely feels counter-intuitive to protecting our emotional wellbeing. Ironically, being more open is the only way to break the defence cycle and open your relationship to a deeper and more authentic connection. When we take down our walls and lower our weapons, we can step away from our ego and truly listen to what others think and feel. In hindsight, I was very defensive in the beginning of my relationship. It was more important to me that I try and preserve my self-image than it was to explore my partner’s feelings and be more accountable for my actions. Once I realised this, I was able to be more present for my partner. In doing so, our relationship unfolded in a beautiful and balanced exchange of acknowledgment, understanding and acceptance. There was no longer room for destructive fights riddled with blame and denial. Instead, there was an understanding that we are each responsible for our actions and their consequences. I had to learn to trust that we were both capable of holding space for each other’s feelings without a defensive reaction or a counterattack. This insight helped me to create the loving space of sharing and connection I had always dreamed of.

Here are some mindful questions to consider to curb habitual defensiveness in your communication:

– What did they say that triggered you, and how did it make you feel?

– Why does it make you feel like that?

– Are you able to see the situation from your partner’s perspective?

– Is there any truth in what they say?

– Could you have unintentionally hurt your partner?

– Can you be accountable for the part you played?

Deep down, we all want to feel profoundly connected to those we love. Our defence mechanisms are what protect us from a alarming realisation: that we are terrifyingly vulnerable, and when we love someone, we are giving them the power to hurt us. This realisation alone can turn even the most emotionally resilient of us into an anxious mess.

I have heard people say that they look for someone who accepts them just the way they are, and I used to want this, too. As I get older, though, I realise that I don’t want others to accept in me the things that I can’t accept about myself. I want to turn up, be present, and always be held accountable for my actions. Only then can I challenge me to be a better version of myself. If I regularly get caught up defending myself, then I know I will have missed an opportunity to learn something about the person I perceive as attacking me. I will also have missed a precious opportunity to learn something about myself. I still have arguments where I know that I have been triggered and allowed my defensive emotions to get the better of me. It takes true courage of the soul to be vulnerable and listen without rushing to defend ourselves. But now, I choose to face my demons and love myself regardless. It starts with loving yourself, then believing that you are deserving of others’ love and finally allowing others to love you, too.

How to overcome defensiveness:

Recognise what defensive behaviour is: Chances are, if you feel the need to respond to what someone says immediately, then you are likely triggered. Avoidance, rationalisation, denial of responsibility or criticisms, or minimising the pain inflicted are all characteristics of defensive behaviour. When you can recognise it, you can change it.
Take a moment to breathe instead of reacting: Consciously take a few deep breaths before you respond. It is the easiest and fastest way of take control of your emotions.
Practice active listening: When you listen, empathise and paraphrase what your partner says to you, it will strengthen your understanding of their experience and increase open communication, thus strengthening your bond. Always try to understand the other’s perspective first before you express yours.
Don’t counterattack! Feeling triggered can make you want to bring up all of your grievances, too. Refrain from doing this and instead focus on what is troubling the other.
Take responsibility and be more accountable: Some of us find it very hard to accept when we have made a mistake. We use every trick to rationalise why we did what we did. Sometimes, we have to admit what we did was not OK and intend to do better next time.
Finally, remember you are not enemies: Most of the time, a little bit of listening and empathising can make your relationships far more satisfying than they have ever been.