I don’t remember much of my earlier childhood. Or more specifically, I don’t really remember much of anything. Or even more specifically,I don’t try or like to remember the past because I often find that the past holds painful memories that I am not willing to face and embrace.
I have spent the past 12 years working on myself. There have been triumphs, there have been failures, and there have been many, many, many stupid mistakes made along the way.
As an empath child, I often found the external world confusing and scary, and no place, person or thing felt safe to me. The internal world was an even scarier place that I didn’t quite understand nor was able to deal with. Intense feelings and bodily sensations that were often overwhelming to my little body.
And then there were the beliefs and values of the society, culture and family that said to my little girl “Don’t stand out”, “Don’t be different”, “Don’t be too emotional”, “Don’t be too loud”, “Don’t speak up”, “Don’t talk about problems”.
I didn’t feel safe in my society. I didn’t feel safe in my home. I didn’t feel safe in my body. I didn’t trust my environment. I didn’t trust the people around me. And I didn’t trust myself.
As a consequence, I was dissociated when I was younger. In my early young adulthood years, I also picked up drinking so I would not have to be in control all the time; a way to numb myself and my emotions, and not have to face my problems.
But of course, anything that we’ve tried to avoid always comes back to bite us in the ass. I started having issues with binge drinking, and when I drank. I became an aggressive drunk. My anger and my pain were seeping out of me because I felt so lonely then, and so misunderstood. When all I wanted was to be understood and connect with another. And somehow amongst my hazy booze, I thought that if I was in pain and I caused pain to another person, perhaps they would understand what I’m going through?
I sought psychological help. But it didn’t really help me deal with the root of the issue. What did serve me was when I started dancing, specifically free-form dancing. It was on the dance floor at the age of 22 that I felt that I’d truly spoken for the first time in my life. I raged, I howled, I celebrated, I danced through my tears, I danced through my victories. I danced and danced and danced until nothing was left in me. No more conditioning. No more bullshit. I broke myself apart on the dancefloor, emotionally and physically. I’d build back up and break apart. Build and break. Again and again, until there was nothing left in me. Deep-rooted desires and emotions burst forth with every shake and stamp. Fuck. I am in pain and in tears. AND I am fucking alive.
It was five years of occasional travelling, lots of dancing, and lots of time alone that I was finally able to find myself again. For the first time in a long time, I finally felt at home in my body. I stopped seeking to be accepted. I stopped seeking to fit in. I accepted myself.
It took me 25 years before I finally arrived home onto myself. And I was still not done. Because of these earlier experiences of being disowned by myself and having gone through the process of reclaiming myself and my body, I saw more things and understood the world better.
I understood the disconnect within us when we turn to the outside world for validation. I understood the pain of abandonment. I understood the pain of living outside the body, never feeling safe, and being misunderstood all the time. I understood that all these were momentary in the larger scheme of things, even though it can sometimes be hard to remember that.
And so I took all this knowledge and experience, (along with my training and experiences as a counselling psychologist), and started to develop and share a new way of understanding the past experiences and pains and to embrace a new way of living life. An authentic life, that celebrates all life and diversity, that honours our deepest soul expression and supports Life and Spirit Connection.
I learnt and understood many things about the human experience from spending extended periods away from people to understand myself, the human experience, and the world. But I couldn’t translate these lessons to others, because I didn’t walk the path that they did or experience the same things that they did.
When I came out to society to share, I didn’t speak the same language that the people around me did and there was a very strong “let’s avoid the difficult topics” mentality. I tried to learn the language that the people around me were speaking, and in the process of doing so, I lost that connection to myself.
Now I see that instead of trying to learn their language, what I could have done differently was to live and embody my truth even more. So that people could experience, rather than hear.
“To change the system, you cannot do it from within the system”.
Now I am in the process of integrating the magic that I have experienced from my little girl, and combining it with the experiences and wisdom I now experience as a woman. The little girl along with the magic is now gone, but at the same time I also have the maturity and grounding of a grown woman.
It’s no longer a choice between the spiritual world or the material world. They are one and the same, and I no longer compromise. I walk the third and middle path, where Spirit meets Matter, and I am a Conscious Creator in this world.
My name is Wan Ting, and I am a Dancing Warrior. I will see you in this new world that we will create together. One of love, light and action.
Wan Ting
Wan Ting holds a master’s in counselling psychology. She uses a trauma-informed approach that incorporates existential therapy as a foundation while integrating somatic movement at the same time. She enjoys teaching and developing programs and has played various roles as a facilitator, teacher, mentor and instructor to different groups in various settings.
