At the age of sixteen, I experienced what, on reflection, I would consider my first spiritual crisis. Raised in a secular Jewish household, the story of a man in the sky with a beard in charge of everything, never really made sense to me. I began to question my life purpose and was trying to make sense of the world. So like many, I researched, read and investigated different religious texts looking for answers. After reading any religious or semi religious book I could get my hands on, from Hinduism and Taoism to Paganism and everything in between, there were a few ideas that resonated. Some of the ideas came from Buddhist philosophies. One powerful concept is ‘pain is inevitable, suffering is a choice’. A quote often attributed to Buddha is:
“It is your resistance to ‘what is’ that causes your suffering”
The idea being that it is our resistance to, rather than our acceptance of, the inevitabilities of life that lead to suffering. And therefore by practising acceptance and not being resistant to the way things are, we would be relieved of that suffering.
Approximately 20 years later when mental health challenges precipitated a period of deep reflection, this concept came back but in a different way. Initially I felt as though resistance versus acceptance was a dichotomous choice. One or the other had to be picked. If resistance was causing suffering, then acceptance had to be chosen. But what about accepting things that I was not OK with? What about accepting things that were happening that I didn’t want to accept? What then?
When I first began my studies in Neuro Linguistic Programming, which substantially contributed to my trauma healing, the presuppositions of NLP were introduced to me. These are guideposts along the path, they are principles to keep in mind as a practitioner either for yourself, or for others. One of the NLP presuppositions is the Law of Requisite Variety which states:
“The system or the person with the most flexibility of behaviour will control the system”
As NLP training, my understanding is what this presupposition is saying on a practical level. That the more flexible and adaptable you can be in regard to your behaviour, you can come out the winner. Now I do want to highlight that this is talking about behavioural flexibility, so you don’t have to be flexible with your morals, or your values, only flexible in your behaviour. The more that you can adapt, bend, flex and adjust to circumstances, you’ll come out on top.
Now when we put this in the context of the Buddhist idea that it is your resistance to ‘what is’ that causes your suffering, this is a way out of that ‘either-or’ choice. So, the choices are not only resistance or acceptance. But your third option is behavioural flexibility in order to mitigate suffering or even avoid it all together. This means that you don’t have to accept things or circumstances that you’re not happy with. And you don’t have to resist them which causes suffering. You can choose to practise adaptation and flexibility in your behaviours so as to ‘make the best of a bad situation’. This third option gives you the control over the scenario and how you respond to it and influence how much suffering is involved.
I am dedicated to bringing people back to their own power. This idea of being able to make choices about behaviour empowers every individual to determine how much resistance and therefore, suffering, they’re going to tolerate. How much they are going to accept, and how much wiggle room they’re going to find in the current circumstances.
The Law of Requisite Variety is one of fourteen presuppositions of NLP. All fourteen, I came to embrace as not just guideposts for NLP practice, but I came to see them as guiding principles for my life. Some of them are more challenging to adhere to than others, but they provide a framework to structure perspectives and attitudes around. As my NLP journey continued from Practitioner to Master Practitioner to Trainer. I finally realised now that in over twenty years since I had that first spiritual crisis at sixteen, I’ve found a collection of principles that I feel supports me in my own empowerment. Allowing me to support others in theirs.
Understanding the world we live in is important to many and you may be on a similar discovery path. Persist in your endeavours, find what makes sense to you. You’ll know when it feels right. Part of the journey is learning to trust oneself too.
Another thing I have come to understand in recent years is that there is no such thing as an objective reality. We all live our own version of this life. We create our reality through our values, beliefs, experiences and more. We create expectations, assumptions and rules for those in our world including ourselves. Come from a place of consciousness and construct a world in which you are supported, thriving and joyful.
What would your world look like with more flexibility, less suffering and at times a conscious acceptance of ‘what is’?
Lisa Westgate, Our Expert (Former)
Lisa Westgate is an Award Winning Mental Health Advocate, speaker, trainer, and best-selling author. Also creator of The Misfit Hub, support for weirdos, freaks and unicorns to live a life of zero f*cks.
- Lisa Westgate, Our Expert (Former)
- Lisa Westgate, Our Expert (Former)
- Lisa Westgate, Our Expert (Former)
- Lisa Westgate, Our Expert (Former)
- Lisa Westgate, Our Expert (Former)
- Lisa Westgate, Our Expert (Former)
