Healing Grief: Interview with Bianca About the Death of Her Husband to Suicide

“It is really important for people to understand that suicide is not their fault, and they shouldn’t be looked on negatively.”

The grief that accompanies the death of someone you love can smash you like a tonne of bricks and take away your ability to remember how to breathe. And regardless of who you are, it is undoubtedly something that you will most likely experience throughout your life. It can be a challenging path to navigate, and it is important to remember you are not alone. In this ongoing series, we connect with our readers and discuss their experiences with loss, grief and healing. In this issue, I got to hang out with Bianca and discuss what it was really like to lose a husband to suicide.

Kim: Bianca, you lost your husband to suicide 3 years ago. It’s such a profound way to lose someone. What was that experience like for you?

Bianca: In the first six months, there was probably disbelief. I knew he wasn’t coming back, but in the back of your mind, you think that might be possible because it seems so surreal. We were happy one day, and then he was gone the next. There was no warning.

Kim: What impact did that have on you and your children?

Bianca: It was a massive loss. He’d treated me like a princess for my entire life, so my whole world fell down. I had to learn to do all the things that he’d always done for me. My existence was based on him, because we we’d been together since I was 15. He was the caretaker; he wanted to be. So when he died unexpectedly, I had to learn to live again and stand on my own two feet, which was really hard.

You’re dealing with all of that, as well as the loss of the love of your life.

Kim: What did grief look like for you?

Bianca: A very big black hole. I wasn’t mentally there, and I was just doing what I had to do to survive. Looking back, it’s hard to reflect because it was so painful. I had to be my children’s strength too, which was hard at times. I think it only compounded for me when we had our first covid lockdown. That’s when the grief really took hold because I had time to think, and I was home all alone. The kids had moved on and done their own thing. That was really hard.

Kim: Is the grief and overwhelm still threaded throughout your daily life?

Bianca: Absolutely, and I think they always will be.

Kim: Let’s talk about your journey to heal through your grief. There’s no right or wrong. Everyone’s experience is different. What has it been like for you?

Bianca: I find being at the ocean has always been my happy, safe place. So I go to the beach. I like to think that the waves are taking away my sadness, and I do that a lot. I also sit there to reflect and focus on the good things that I’ve got, and that’s what I’ve also told my children. We were lucky because there are people in the world who will never have a good husband and a good father like we’ve had. Because he was an amazing man. So that has helped me on my journey. To think that some people have never had that.

Kim: That’s a really beautiful perspective. Do you find that it helps?

Bianca: I think so. Because too often in life we always focus on the negative, and that makes it really hard to heal and to move forward. So I’ve tried, especially in the last 18 months, where I’ve thought, “Now is the time I have to do things to try and move along, because that’s what he would want.” And that’s something I always say to the kids as well.

Kim: What would your advice be to someone struggling through the death of someone they love?

Bianca: That they have to process it. That’s something I wasn’t good at, and looking back, that probably hindered my healing process. But you’ve actually got to feel those feelings and go through that horrible time to get through to the other side. Because if you keep those feelings down, that’s not going to help anyone. And you’re going to explode eventually. It’s not going to be pretty.

Also, remember to cherish the good times. I’m very blessed because I’ve got lots of beautiful photos, and we had lots of fun adventures. So, I try to focus on those things rather than my husband’s passing, especially the way he passed. When he first died, many people were saying, “You should be angry” and “How dare he do that.” I never had those feelings, but apparently, society thinks that that’s what we should feel.

I think my advice would be to feel what you have to feel and lean on the people who love you the most, and you’ll get through it. I don’t think it will never go away; it just gets easier.

Kim: What do you hope the future holds for you?

Bianca: I’m creating this new life at the moment. I’ve already made beautiful friends through work, so I’m starting to do things again which is great. I hope one day that, I’ll find love again and move on in that way because I don’t want to be alone forever. I’m not going to take the first person who comes along, but I’m sure there’s someone out there for me.

Kim: Obviously, everyone’s experience of losing someone is different. But what would your advice be to someone who is experiencing grief and needing to heal?

Bianca: It is really important for people to understand that suicide is not their fault, and they shouldn’t be looked at negatively. And to show empathy, sympathy and compassion for the person that has taken their life. Suicide is a topic that people dodge, and I’ve lost friends because they couldn’t handle it.