Healing Grief: We Interview Radesha About The Death of Her Auntie

“It’s unimaginable and you don’t ever think something like that will happen to someone close to you, that you talk to and see regularly.”

The grief that accompanies the death of someone you love can smash you like a tonne of bricks and take away your ability to remember how to breathe. And regardless of who you are, it is undoubtedly something that you will most likely experience throughout your life.

It can be a challenging path to navigate, and it is important to remember you are not alone. In this ongoing series, we connect with our readers and discuss their experiences with loss, grief and healing. For this issue, I got to hang out with Radesha (Desh) Dixon, author, coach and speaker. Talking through the death of her auntie, who was as close to her as a sister.

Kim: Radesha, I understand you lost someone very close to you last year. Who was that?

Radesha: I lost my aunt, but she was more like my sister. We grew up together and we’re only four years apart.

Kim: Can you talk to me about what happened?

Radesha: It was completely unexpected. She wasn’t feeling well and called another family member, but she didn’t reach them. Then she called daddy and talked to him. That was the last conversation she had.

I was at a friend’s house and didn’t see that my mother had called me a few times. I pulled over before I got home to talk to her, and she told me that my sister had passed away. I immediately vomited. I had just talked to her the day before and we were discussing what she was going to do for the Super Bowl. To go from that to having to bury her, I don’t even know how to describe that.

It leaves you empty and feeling like nothing matters anymore.

There’s a lot of confusion and upset, in the sense that we felt the 911 people didn’t get to her in time. She was home, but the doors were locked, and they were circling the house until, at some point, they decided to knock down the door. I guess by the time they got there she was towards the end. We felt like if they had knocked down the door sooner, they would have been able catch it.

For me especially I was like, ‘Why didn’t she call me?’. I could have gotten there sooner. So many things go through your head as to what could I have done differently.

Kim: It would have been an extremely difficult time. How did that personally affect you?

Radesha: It knocked me out and I feel empty. My number one supporter was gone and you just don’t get over it in a year. I talk to her picture and that’s somewhat therapeutic for me.

It’s unimaginable, and you don’t ever think something like that will happen to someone close to you that you talk to and see regularly. It’s changed everything including my perspective on life.

Kim: In what way did your perspective on life change?

Radesha: We hear the cliche, “oh tomorrows not promised, live your best life” and no one really pays attention to that. Then when you get hit with something like this and you’re trying to pick up the pieces, it changes everything because that cliche phrase really comes into play. It’s like okay, time to do the self-reflection, time to figure out where my life is. Am I happy? What’s really going on and what do I need to change?

Because if I can talk to you today and I have to bury you tomorrow, that’s a whole different ball game. That’s a whole different consciousness that I wasn’t even remotely ready for or to have to dive into within myself.

So, I definitely look at life differently. I don’t do anything I don’t want to do anymore. I’m not wasting my time with anything that is really not bringing peace anymore. I needed the positive change, and in the midst of all this transformation, I think what grows to the surface is probably the path that I should have always been on in the first place. So yeah, my perspective is that I’m not wasting time, and I’m pretty much only doing the things that really matter to me.

Kim: Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable and heartfelt story. Experiencing grief is really hard. What are some of the strategies or tools that helped you?

Radesha: I would say allowing myself time to grieve, and that’s still ongoing. I also got a chance to be still, and I think a lot of people need to somehow pause in their life. Because if you’re busy, you’re probably missing some of what your spirit is trying to tell you.

In addition, I talked to four bereavement counsellors, and then I had my friends. One in particular had lost her mother at the time, so she fully understood what I was going through and how I felt. I think the universe brought us together in synchronicity at that time because we fully understood what it was like.

It really made a difference to have someone that understood, I think it aided in my process of grieving.

Kim: It’s beautiful that you were surrounded by support and people to call on when you needed it. What does your grief look like now? I imagine it’s still quite fresh for you.

Radesha: It is definitely still fresh, it’s a day-by-day process and it’s very rough. I just think people have to find strength because we’re still alive, that means that we still have purpose and there’s something greater. I try to keep that in mind, but it’s one foot in front of the other and allowing myself to feel the feelings of what I need to and not try to force myself to be better just because a year has passed.

So, I just believe everyone in this position just needs to give themselves grace.

Kim: Do you have any advice for our readers that may be struggling themselves?

Radesha: I recommend speaking to someone and grief definitely reinforces the importance of self-care on such a high level. You’re hurting and what can happen is that you can get depressed, you may not eat, or you eat excessively, or you just don’t want to get out of bed. I’ve been there, it feels like nothing matters.

I think part of this is also soul searching and that something is trying to emerge from our soul. The only way that we’ll get the clarity of what that is, is if we go through the process and allow ourselves time to grieve. Then whatever feelings come up, let them and deal with them. So I would say do not, in any way, deny what you’re feeling. I would also recommend journaling.