Healing Grief: Interview with Zoe About the Death of Her Dad and Grandfather

The grief that accompanies the death of someone you love can smash you like a tonne of bricks and take away your ability to remember how to breathe. And regardless of who you are, it is undoubtedly something that you will most likely experience throughout your life. It can be a challenging path to navigate, and it is important to remember you are not alone. In this ongoing series, we connect with our readers and discuss their experiences with loss, grief and healing. For this issue, I got to hang out with journalist and mental health advocate Zoe Simmons. Talking about the death of her dad and grandfather, both of who passed from cancer.

“I think no matter how many years pass, you’re always going to miss them. It’s always going to hurt from time to time, and that’s okay.”

Kim: You have had a couple of losses, Zoe. Can you talk to us about them?

Zoe: Yes. I’ve lost two people close to me. The first was my pop in 2014 on Valentine’s Day, and the second was my dad on the 31st of July 2018. Both from cancer, sadly.

Kim: Did you find them both passing from cancer more challenging?

Zoe: Definitely, it was like, “Oh gosh, this already took my pop, now it’s taking my dad”. Once you lose people to something that takes a lot of lives, you wonder how long it will be until others go. It’s pretty rough.

Kim: Your pop passed on such a momentous day; how did that impact his death and future Valentine’s Days?

Zoe: It was a lot harder in the first couple of years. When Valentine’s Day came around, I’d get frustrated with people who would complain online because they didn’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend.

I would think, “At least you’re alive; you’ve got your loved ones around you”. It gave me a strong perspective of what matters in life and while romance is important for many people, existing and taking account for what you’ve got in your life is more important.

I found that no heartbreak came close to what I experienced losing the people I loved. So I found it hard to tolerate some things, but it got easier as time went on. Now I’m in a long-term relationship, and we sometimes celebrate Valentine’s Day, but it’s never going to be ‘just Valentine’s Day for me; it’s always my pops day first and anything else second. It’s kind of nice now because it feels like it’s a day about love, and I get to share that.

I think no matter how many years pass, you’re always going to miss them, it’s always going to hurt from time to time, and that’s okay.

Kim: We grieve because we love, and it sounds like you’ve bought that full circle. What was navigating grief like in those early years?

Zoe: With my pop, it wasn’t easy because I was 18 and I was just about to move to a new city and start my degree at university. It was really heartbreaking because I’d never get to tell him and knew he’d be proud. As you age, you realize there’s a lot more this person misses out on, and it’s never going to change; that was a struggle. For my dad, I was an absolute wreck. We’d fought before he told me he had cancer and we didn’t speak for quite a while, maybe a year, until he called me and told me he had cancer. That was rough, but he lasted longer than they thought he would. I’m not even sure how long it was, but it was just the most precious gift I could have ever received because I got to hang out with him and know him, and we sorted everything out. We just ended with love, but that’s also what made it harder. He was only 48 years old.

Kim: Now that your dad is gone, how do you reflect on your time not talking?

Zoe: It put things into perspective and made me glad I had the time I did with him, and I did have a lot of memories as a child and growing up with him. It just made me take stock and consider what our relationship was as well; the good parts, good memories.

Kim: Beginning to heal after the death of a loved one can be a long process, and there is no right or wrong. What did that journey look like for you, Zoe?

Zoe: I think the first step was to let myself feel how I was feeling, no matter what that was. I felt devastated. I missed him. I felt angry that the world could do this. I felt guilty that it was him who died and not me. I felt like I wanted to take his place.

You have a lot of thoughts and feelings, and you can’t change them, so I spent a while in that dark pit of grief where you just wonder how you’ll be able to live without them. You have a lot of thoughts and feelings, and you can’t change them, so I spent a while in that dark pit of grief where you just wonder how you’ll be able to live without them.

Kim: If someone was reading this now, Zoe, who is struggling and in a dark place with grief at the moment, what would your advice be to them?

Zoe: I’d say it’s okay to feel however you’re feeling. It’s okay to miss them. It’s okay for your journey to take as long as it needs to. Recovery is not linear, and it is different for everyone. It’s such a personal journey for everyone, so you’re doing a good job no matter what you’re experiencing.

I think it helps to think about what they would want for you. They’d like you to be happy, they’d want you to live life the way you want to, and I don’t think they ever leave. I talk to my dad and my pop all the time, and I feel them with me. I ask them for advice, and then an answer comes. It may be a coincidence, but I like to think that they’re still looking out for me.

Kim: What is living with grief in your life like now?

Zoe: I think no matter how many years pass, you’re always going to miss them, it’s always going to hurt from time to time, and that’s okay. I just let myself feel it when I feel it, and I try and frame it as a good thing because if this hurts so much, you must have really loved them. They must have been an amazing person, so it’s a testament to them almost.

It hasn’t gotten easier, but I guess life grows around it, and you look back and think, “Wow, they would be really proud. I wish I could tell them about this.