The grief that accompanies the death of someone you love can smash you like a tonne of bricks and take away your ability to remember how to breathe. And regardless of who you are, it is undoubtedly something that you will most likely experience throughout your life.
It can be a challenging path to navigate, and it is important to remember you are not alone. In this ongoing series, we connect with our readers and discuss their experiences with loss, grief and healing. For this issue, we interviewed Patrick Messenger. He shares his experience of losing his father as a young teenage boy.
“I believe that grief represents our love for the person we lost. So know that having those feelings is okay; they don’t have to be avoided.”
Kim: Patrick, you lost your father when you were only 14 years old. Can you tell us what that experience was like for you as a young man?
Patrick: It was life-changing, and I didn’t realise how much until much later in life. I’m 44 now, and I still think about him often and how I could’ve handled losing my father differently. I was a child, and I had younger siblings who I had to help because my mother was struggling in her way. It was so surreal, but it wasn’t all bad; it also bought us closer together as a family. It taught me many lessons about myself and life, and it’s made me appreciate the people in my life. But of course, some days were more challenging than others.
Kim: Looking back now, how do you feel you navigated that grief compared to how you felt at the time?
Patrick: I thought I was keeping it all together, but at 14, you’re trying to find your place in the world, and I no longer had my father to guide me. I relied on him so much, and it really f#cked with my identity when I lost him. It took me a while to find my balance again. But when I look back at it from an adult’s viewpoint, I know I did the best that I could at the time.
Kim: You’ve had so much time to sit with grief and the loss of your father. What effect did it have on your growing up?
Patrick: Risk-taking, silly mistakes, I fluctuated between keeping to myself and being overly social, looking for validation from the other guys around me, which didn’t always end well; it got me into trouble with drugs and the police. Not too much, but enough to hurt my mum’s feelings and probably make it harder to raise all of us on her own. It taught me resilience, though. I realised I had to make friends with my grief so it wasn’t a monster for me. So, as I became older, I learned how to do that more and rely more on myself and make better choices for myself.
Kim: What would your advice be to someone who would benefit from making friends with their grief?
Patrick: I believe that grief represents our love for the person we lost. So know that having those feelings is okay; they don’t have to be avoided. I was also lucky because I decided to get some professional help in my 20s. I think that helped me a lot, and it was through that process I stopped feeling so alone in my grief. Sure, I’ve always had my family around, but they dealt in their way. Even after my mum remarried, I think she was still grieving and struggled with that sometimes. We are lucky her new husband is a top bloke and supports her.
Kim: Have other particular attributes come from your personal growth experience?
Patrick: I think it’s just a drive to enjoy life and make the most out of all that I have. Each day is a blessing. So I think that the answer is gratitude.
Kim: What made you realise that you needed to take the initiative to heal actively?
Patrick: I met a girl, and she showed me that I deserved to feel better than what I was. Before her, I struggled with my anger. I would never project it at anyone else, so it was mainly myself I would hurt, but still, it was unhealthy. I knew I had to change, but I didn’t realise how much until I met her. Then I got into personal development and decided to become a life coach; the rest is history. It came from daring to look at me and do the inner work I desperately needed. That time in my life was a big part of what helped mold me and change how I was to who I am now. There were other experiences too. We then got married and had children, and my mind and emotions shifted to raising a family and building a business.
Kim: What role does grief play in your life now?
Patrick: I still miss my dad. He’d be 67 now, and every time another one of his birthdays clock around, we still celebrate him. I look at my kids; my daughter, who is about to turn the same age I was when I lost my dad, looks like him. My son looks more like my wife’s family but has some of my dad’s characteristics, especially his humor-I wish they could have met them. So I don’t think grief goes away. It just becomes a part of how you view your life and those around you. We try to keep it light, though. We choose to remember the great moments and have a laugh instead of the sadness that has obviously shadowed our lives.
Kim: Obviously, everyone’s experience of losing someone is different. But what would your advice be to someone experiencing grief and needing to heal?
Patrick: Ask for help if you need it. We all know what we need, even if we’re not too self-aware sometimes. Make the space in your life to go easy on yourself, and stop and take a moment to nurture yourself when you need it.
Fierce Truths Magazine
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