Healing Grief: Interview with Megan, Who Lost Her Friend to Suicide

The grief that accompanies the death of someone you love can smash you like a tonne of bricks, and take away your ability to remember how to breathe. And regardless of who you are, it is undoubtedly something that you will most likely experience throughout your life. It can be a challenging path to navigate, and it is important to remember you are not alone. In this ongoing series, we connect with our readers and discuss their experiences with loss, grief and healing. For this issue we interviewed Megan. She shares her experience of losing her friend to teenage suicide.

Kim: Megan, you had a friend take her life when you were young. What was that like for you?

Megan: I did. I was 14 years old at the time, and it messed with my head. Nicole was the same age as me, and we’d been best friends since our early primary school years. There were signs, though. I remember at primary school, she would leave these notes for us, saying that she was going to take her life, and we would spend our lunchtime trying to find her. I don’t think we believed she would do it, though. We just thought she was trying to get our attention, and after a while, it stopped.

Then she did. I had moved away, so I hadn’t seen her for a while, but it was still a shock, hearing that someone you loved was in so much pain that Nicole felt she had no other way. Then, her funeral. Her mum was devastated and tried jumping into her grave after they lowered the coffin. I just remember the sound of the mum sobbing as Nicole’s dad and brother held onto her.

It unhinged me. I’d also spoken to Nicole just weeks before; she’d asked me if I could get drugs for her. I didn’t, but there was also an element of guilt there because I didn’t recognise her. I needed help. I struggled with my emotions, started acting out and became a nightmare for my parents to deal with almost overnight.

Looking back now, I recognise I didn’t have the emotional maturity or tools to deal with losing my friend to suicide. Who would at that age? It’s not something you should have to deal with.

Kim: What got you through those first few months?

Megan: I didn’t have support, or should I say, I didn’t take the offer of the support that was offered to me by my parents. Instead, I stayed with friends as much as possible and drank a lot of alcohol. I’d just started smoking pot around the same time, so I probably numbed myself most of the time.

I remember reading a book at the time in which they fake someone’s death, and then the dead person comes back to life. Probably not the best time to read it, and I think it messed with me accepting Nicole’s passing. I think I lived in a fantasy world for a bit. Where on one side, I knew my friend was gone, and on the other side, I made myself believe it wasn’t real and played the ‘what if’ game, making it harder for me to let go.

Kim: Losing your friend Nicole all those years ago must have affected your life growing up.

Megan: Nicole making the choice she did to take her own life was something that always stayed with me. Even now, 30 years later, I think about her often. Especially at all the milestones, I’ve often wondered what sort of adult she would have been.

I also think it has shaped my ability to look under the surface of people and be thoughtful about what has driven them to act or behave in a certain way. It has also made me very aware of where the reality of depression can get someone. Especially as she was just the first person I knew who took her life, I’ve lost others in this way since.

Kim: Do you think you ever found healing?

Megan: I think it was more just a slow acceptance of Nicole’s passing that happened over time that helped bring resolution the most. That and increased maturity as I got older. I can still get sad when I think about her, though.

Kim: What role does grief play in your life now?

Megan: I have lost a lot of people in my life, so in some ways, grief has been a constant for me. Some passings have been close, some not so, but with still as much impact, and I can say this for sure: life still does go on. It’s hard at first, but if we break the task of living down into little steps, we learn to get on with it one day at a time.

I think that is how I handle grief in my life now. I meet myself where I am, all the processes, and take one day at a time.

Kim: What would your advice be to someone experiencing grief and needing to heal, especially through suicide?

Megan: Unfortunately, suicide statistics have only increased over the years, whether teens or adults. Losing someone this way messes with you, so get the support you need so you don’t have to sink into a downhill spiral as I did.