Healing Grief: Interview with Sarah on Losing Her Husband

The grief that accompanies the death of someone you love can smash you like a tonne of bricks, and take away your ability to remember how to breathe. And regardless of who you are, it is undoubtedly something that you will most likely experience throughout your life. It can be a challenging path to navigate, and it is important to remember you are not alone. In this ongoing series, we connect with our readers and discuss their experiences with loss, grief and healing. For this issue, we interviewed Sarah as she discussed the devastating experience of losing her husband of six months.

“…those first few months, maybe even a year, I wanted to punch positive people in the face!.”

Kim: Sarah, you lost your husband six months into your marriage. Can we talk about that?

Sarah: I’ve never experienced anything so devastating in my life. We were just starting our life together, planning for our future and then in the blink of an eye, that was over. In so many ways, I am still reeling from losing Mark. My heart is not the same without him.

Kim: May I ask what happened?

Sarah: It was a car accident. It was late and we’d run out of milk for the morning, so I sent him to the shop. And he didn’t come home. I was waiting, and waiting and then there was a knock at the door. I remember my heart sinking, I must have just known I guess. The police told me it was a head-on and Mark would have died instantly. All because I was a grumpy bitch and sent him out for milk. I’ve run through so many different scenarios of how that night could have gone and I blamed myself for the longest time. I still carry guilt, but it has eased. Thankfully. Otherwise, I don’t even think I’d be talking to you today.

Kim: What helped you?

Sarah: Nothing at first. I was in a really dark place for a really long time. A few years actually. I often wonder if we’d had children together if that would have made matters easier. Maybe, maybe not. At the end of the day, there’s no use wondering about ‘maybe’s is there’.

I suppose things started to change when a close friend suggested I attend a grief support group. I was hesitant at first, I wasn’t really ready to share my pain and I thought I was the only person in the world feeling it. So to go to that group, and meet other widows at different stages of their grief journey? I can’t express how cathartic it was and still is. I don’t attend as regularly as I used to, but I do try to every few months.

Kim: Do you still grieve now?

Sarah: I miss Mark SO much and every day is a struggle without him but I have learnt to live without him. I can’t say that pain has lessened a hell of a lot, but I do sometimes get through a day without crying over something. Sometimes it is even two or three days. I don’t mind so much though, for where I am right now in my journey of losing Mark, it’s a reminder of how much he means to my heart. I’m not sure if I am ready for whatever the next in my process is. I haven’t even started dating again yet.

I know those moments will come, and I know I do want to have love in my life again, but it needs to be when I am ready. And I don’t feel too ready yet. I want to hide just a little longer.

Kim: Do you find that a positive attitude helps?

Sarah: Oh, those first few months, maybe even a year, I wanted to punch positive people in the face! I just didn’t want to hear it. My thinking at the time was, how could I be positive ever again? That DID shift though… I am naturally a positive person and eventually, I did find the bounce come back. It took a while, and so to answer your question, it did help once I was open to it again.

Kim: What would your advice be to someone struggling through the death of someone they love?

Sarah: Actually the advice I really want to share is to anyone who has anyone in their life they love. TREASURE THEM. HOLD THEM CLOSE. Wring every ounce of love out of your connection. Remember every detail of every moment you spend with them. You just don’t know when it will be gone. And I know we don’t like to think of losing someone but the sad truth is that it happens.