As parents and guardians, we only ever aim to give our children the best start to life that we possibly can. We tell them that honesty is the best policy, and we make all attempts to guide them to the realization that truth always prevails.
But what about in death? What about the untruths we say to a child in the event of a loved one’s sudden disappearance from their life?
Once upon a time, it may have been acceptable for a child to be told that Nanna is now with the angels, Grandad is a star in the night sky, and Aunty Joy now has her angel wings and has flown up to Heaven to be with Uncle Lawrie. Whilst the thought of it all sounds delightfully wonderful, the matter of fact is that it simply isn’t true!
Dealing with the topic of Death and Dying is not a comfortable task for anyone. It hits all our insecurities and fears and undoubtedly puts our mortality in question. Having to explain that Nanna has passed away or that Eddie the miniature schnauzer isn’t coming home from the veterinary clinic is heartbreaking for any parent to deal with, especially when knowing the outcome will only cause devastation and pain to the grieving child.
The goodness in grief here, based on what I have seen and what I know as a funeral director and death doula, is that Children are far more resilient and receptive to the facts about death than we are led to believe. I have literally witnessed a child reaching out to a grieving grandmother, taking her hand in hers, and whispering, it’s okay, Grandpa is much happier now.
Once children understand the facts, they are much more likely to be able to process them and move forward.
Present-day younglings come into the world seeming far more evolved than we appeared to be at their age. They appear to understand more than we did as children from day one.
In dealing with death, in my experience, it’s best to let the child know that the loved one has passed away and that they are not alive anymore. They can’t talk, they can’t breathe, their body has stopped working and this is called being dead. Whilst to some of you this may seem cold, I can assure you the child will have far more respect for your honesty than for telling them a bunch of gobbly gook that has no truth to it at all. Whilst yes, there is an understanding that you are trying to soften the blow, sometimes that blow is exactly what is necessary to bring the message home.
When a child asks about their loved one who has passed away, give a child something that they can reference and hold onto that is real. Something relatable like ‘Well you know granny has been in hospital because her heart stopped working’. Let the child validate what they are being told and then explain that it wasn’t able to be fixed and she passed away. Validate their questions with honesty and transparency, and if you don’t know the answer to a question, simply seek out a professional who does.
When it comes to deceased viewings, I am a big advocate for allowing children to view the body, (if possible) and gain closure. Explaining to the child what they are about to see is very important. Their loved one for example may appear a different colour to what they are used to. When they ask why, be honest! The body is a different colour because the heart is no longer able to pump blood around the body to make it the pink colour you are used to seeing. They just look like they are asleep tell them, but there may be some bruising and they may smell funny and be cold. If a child is open to it, allow them to touch the body and feel death’s physical changes for themselves.
As best as you can, alleviate the shock factor for the child by preparing them for what they are about to see. If a viewing isn’t something possible, closure can be sought in alternative ways.
A physical act of remembrance for example can be just as healing and beneficial for some children. The planting of a seed, the growing of a tree. Life and Death, and the lessons it brings can be translated in so many wonderful ways, each of which brings a positive influence to the whole grieving process.
Whatever choices you make that best suit you and your little ones, I can only underline the importance of being real and truthful. Sugarcoating the process, giving false hope, or creating unnecessary beliefs is not going to be anyone’s friend long term.
Whatever you choose to do or don’t do, remember there is always goodness in grief when you stop to look. There is love found in the retrieved memories, there is laughter found in the recollections.
Most of all there is a knowing, that because of grief, you loved and were loved. No one or nothing can take that away from you!
Until next time – be brave and face the fear!
Bec Campbell, Our Expert (Former)
Bec Campbell writes our regular column, The Goodness in Grief, and is a medium, funeral Director and author. With over thirty years working with spirit, Bec now uses her extensive skill set to help others heal from Grief.
- Bec Campbell, Our Expert (Former)
- Bec Campbell, Our Expert (Former)
- Bec Campbell, Our Expert (Former)
- Bec Campbell, Our Expert (Former)
