The grief that accompanies the death of someone you love can smash you like a tonne of bricks, and take away your ability to remember how to breathe. And regardless of who you are, it is undoubtedly something that you will most likely experience throughout your life.
It can be a challenging path to navigate, and it is important to remember you are not alone. In this ongoing series, we connect with our readers and discuss their experiences with loss, grief and healing.
In this issue, I got to hang out with Linda Kosmer and discuss what it was really like to lose a parent.
Kim: Linda, if I’m correct, I believe it was your dad that you lost.
Linda: Yes, that’s correct and it’s coming up to seven years in July.
Kim: Are you okay to touch on what the experience of losing your dad was like for you?
Linda: We had advance knowledge that he was going to die. Dad was a heavy smoker his whole life, and was of the attitude “If I get cancer, I get cancer”. He just didn’t care. The signs were there a good 18 months beforehand, so we knew it was coming. I guess the good thing was that we had that leading up to it, and it helped me. I was able to help mum through it because he was very much on a level of “I got it; I die”. He was very much a realist. It didn’t seem to scare him or bother him at all, which did bring up anger issues. Obviously with someone you love, you don’t want to lose them, and so it was hard to work through that. I think the good thing is that my brother, my mum, and I had worked through that by the time he did pass.
The morning that he passed was a very special time for us because we were able to be with him, and he passed at home in his favourite chair. It was a very peaceful; we were all holding hands around him and he just stopped breathing. It was a really special time for us, and it was the last time we were together as a family.
My kids saw his spirit that evening and it was probably about three days later I got my first visitation from him. I feel really blessed about that because even though I lost him, I knew that I could still have a relationship with him. Albeit a different one.
Kim: Just going back to that time after your dad passed, what was your grief life?
Linda: Personally, it was hard. He was the heart of our family and the jokester. There was a really big hole for a long time.
Kim: Let’s talk about your healing journey. What did that look like for you?
Linda: I seemed to deal with it very differently to other members of my family, because I was able to have fairly regular contact with him in spirit. It was still hard, all the firsts. The first birthday, mum and dad’s 45th wedding anniversary, and then Christmas. That was a hard one: and then New Year’s Eve. I really felt those special occasions and I think for a while, I probably suppressed it. You know, you’re trying to be there for mum, and trying to be there for the kids, and you’re not really dealing with yourself. So it took a long time for me to let those feelings in, and let them wash over me. Even though that was hard, I still felt a great deal of comfort knowing that he was so close, and that I was able to have communication with him in spirit. He would throw signs at me and that was really great. But the first year was the hardest for me. Then I got over that sense of having that centre of our family missing, and then mum kind of took over. We focused on supporting her and carrying on the way we knew dad would want us to carry on.
Kim: How does grief continue to play in your life?
Linda: I think I’m more accepting of it now. I lost my grandmother when I was 17 years old, and a grandfather when I was much younger. But dad was the first really significant loss. As I get older and become more philosophical about life, I don’t fear loss anymore and I know that I can still have an ongoing relationship with them. I think that the grieving process is a lot easier. Even though there’s always that physical pain of losing someone, just having that knowledge that they are still around is really special.
Kim: Linda, what would your advice be to anyone who’s going through grief, and struggling to process their loss?
Linda: You don’t have to do it alone. Don’t be afraid to tell people you’re not coping. Don’t be afraid to allow those feelings to wash over you. Yeah, they’re painful, but you’re not going to move forward unless you allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling. One thing I’ve really learned is that you don’t just “get over” somebody passing. You become more accepting of it, but there’s always that element of pain when you think about someone you love, and not being able to put your arms around them anymore. That doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you if you’re not coping with it, or you’re still hurting years down the track. That’s okay, and it’s okay to feel that, and it’s okay to say to someone “I’m just not coping at the moment” and to be able to seek help if you need it. There are always avenues for you to do that.
Fierce Truths Magazine
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