How to Have a Healthy Ego

The ego is not easy to define, but it is very closely related to our identity and self-esteem. Your ego is what defines you as being uniquely different in and amongst a sea of other unique individuals. So, what is the simplest way to describe the ego? Think of your ego as an empty cup that, since childhood, you have filled with opinions (both yours and other peoples’) that have now become the way you see yourself and who you think you are.

Having a healthy ego is important because it creates a healthy self-image where you can honestly acknowledge your good qualities and your vulnerabilities and weaknesses. When you have a healthy ego, you are not afraid to be authentic, and you don’t need to resort to defensive behaviour when your sense of self feels threatened. When you have a healthy ego, you are confident and happy.

It is normal to have both negative and positive beliefs about yourself that impact how healthy your self-esteem is. It naturally
follows that positive beliefs lead to a positive self-image, whereas negative beliefs will do the opposite.

Unfortunately, the way we see ourselves is often through the words of others, and so if we have heard negative appraisals about who we are, we tend to take them on as fact, whether they are true or not. Most of the time, we are not even consciously aware of our negative beliefs and how the pain they cause us.

When we have an unhealthy ego, we have an unrealistic view of believing ourselves to be either better or worse than who we really are. An unhealthy ego tends to be either diminished or overinflated. Both types of egos are built on a rocky foundation that is driven by insecurities. The problem with these types of egos is they lack balance, perspective, and the ability to observe one’s emotional processes in a healthy way.

A diminished ego gives you a low opinion of yourself, and you may struggle with feelings of worthlessness. You may also feel undeserving of good things in your life. Your beliefs about yourself are very negative, and your typical inner dialogue will sound like, “I am not good enough, or smart enough, or attractive enough. Everyone else is better than me. I don’t deserve to feel happy.” An overinflated ego makes a person think very highly of themselves. They think more highly of themselves than they do of others. They are constantly trying to prove that they are better than everyone else. Their beliefs about themselves are overly positive and detached from reality. An inner dialogue of someone with an overinflated ego might sound like this, “I must prove that I am the best. I need to beat everyone else; my happiness is more important than other people’s well-being.”

In both instances, the ego constantly fights to cover up insecurities and hide whatever weaknesses you believe you have. An unhealthy ego always craves external validation, and when it no longer receives it or perceives a threat against itself, it can make you behave in unhealthy ways, including:

Being overly defensive
Being self-centred
Inability to listen to others’ perspectives
Bragging
Finding it difficult to forgive others and ourselves
Not wanting to ask for help

An unhealthy ego inhibits our growth and stops us from reaching our full potential because we cannot develop a realistic perspective.

Therefore, we unwittingly push away opportunities to grow and build honest and meaningful connections in our lives. Luckily, the ego is not set in stone, and by becoming more aware of your vulnerabilities and triggers, you can start to understand and love your true nature without feeling ashamed or a need to prove yourself.

When you choose to have a healthy ego, you declare that your ego does not rule you. You are not just your thoughts, reactions and emotions, but a complex, conscious being that can become aware of itself and self-reflect. When you become aware of yourself, you empower yourself to quieten the voice of your ego, and you can start to see the changes you need to make to be a happier and healthier version of yourself.

The first step to conquering your ego is to embrace acceptance. We all have insecurities, but those with a healthy ego are aware of their insecurities, do not try to hide them, and accept them as an integral part of what makes them the unique and beautiful person they are. When we can accept ourselves, it is much easier to identify the false beliefs we have been holding onto. We can empty our ego-cup and begin filling it with positive thoughts. Changing the false beliefs that you have built up of yourself is not easy.