Healing Grief: Interview with Trudy About the Death of Her Unborn Child and Brother

“It’s okay to be who you are, it’s okay to be angry, and it’s okay to say, “Fuck the world, I’m staying in bed.”

The grief that accompanies the death of someone you love can smash you like a tonne of bricks and take away your ability to remember how to breathe. And regardless of who you are, it is undoubtedly something that you will most likely experience throughout your life.

It can be a challenging path to navigate, and it is important to remember you are not alone. In this ongoing series, we connect with our readers and discuss their experiences with loss, grief and healing. For this issue, I got to hang out with Trudy Vains, Meditation & Yoga Teacher. Talking through the death of her unborn child and, later on in life, her brother.

Kim: Trudy, you lost a baby and your brother. Let’s talk about your child first, I can’t even imagine what that was like.

Trudy: Most people can’t. I went into labour around 28 weeks with placental abruption. It is deadly for mother and child so we actually both died. I was able to be revived, whereas my son wasn’t. I wanted to just curl up and die.

Then, three weeks after we had the cremation, a guy from the hospital asked if he could come and see me. He said, “Trudy, we’ve found your son in the morgue.” So, I had to go through it again. I now have one death certificate and two funeral certificates. Somewhere along the chain of command, they didn’t do their job.

You just think that you’re starting to make a turn, like it was very early days, but then someone just comes in and gives you a sucker punch.

Kim: Obviously it was a very bad time for you anyway, did that make it worse?

Trudy: It set me right back and I didn’t come back from it for about a year. I don’t know what I did in that year. I know that I functioned. I know that I was living, breathing, working, and raising a child. The feeling that I can remember is just being numb. I didn’t really deal with anything. I’d had my 21st birthday while I was pregnant, and I had a nine-month-old at home as well.

Then a year later I met my now husband. We’ve been together 24 years now and married 23 years. In that time, we’ve lifted each other up and helped each other out of the dark places. I did see a psychologist. I can’t remember what they said to me that was a real pivotal moment, but it worked.

My living son turned 25 in April and the one that passed away would be 25 in November. It’s really tough. Nothing has changed.

Kim: What is life like 25 years later?

Trudy: Most of the time I’m okay. I’m also a medium and I know when he’s around me. All I have to do is just put my hand out, and then I can feel his little hand.

Kim: You also lost your brother more recently?

Trudy: Yes, he passed away on the 29th of December 2009. He was in a car accident on his way to a family camping trip. He and my son that passed have the same birthday 20 years apart. Now, Michael and Dale are remembered on the same day every year, and it’s like both are together.

Kim: Did that rehash your grief?

Trudy: My brother’s death almost took me over the edge, and my grief took me stronger into alcohol. It was the only thing that helped me to numb the internal stuff, especially through the nights. I don’t drink anymore. I made a conscious choice a few years ago not to. When I said that 25 years doesn’t make any difference at all, it does in some ways. I’ve grown into a much better person than what I used to be.

When you make the choices that are right for you, then you can help yourself move on.

Kim: What was the turning point for you?

Trudy: I woke up one day so sick from being drunk the night before and I thought, “I don’t want to do this anymore”. So, I made a conscious choice to stop drinking and it made me face everything that I was hiding from for so long.

Kim: What helped you heal?

Trudy: The terms ‘Sit with it’ and ‘Sit in that emotion’ used to piss me off, but it actually does work.

If I was having an anxiety attack, or I was feeling sad or angry or the unfairness of it all. I’d just have to sit in it, and I’d have to breathe, and that was what would get me through it.

Meditation did help. Meditation to let go, meditation for grief, I’m the biggest advocate for it. You can talk to as many people as you like about it, but the only person that can fix you is you. I never knew that.

Now, I help people give birth. The room that Dale was born in, my boy that died, I’m in that room a lot helping other women have their babies.

Kim: Wow, the same room, did you realize or was it a surprise?

Trudy: I didn’t realize. When you’re birth support, you just turn up to whatever room they’re in. The first time I thought – shit, how can I not make this about me? But you walk in and just do your job. This birth is not about me, it’s about the woman that’s giving birth. That’s what I have to say to myself every time.

Kim: Did it help or hinder your healing process?

Trudy: It helped. Never in a million years did I think that I would go from the one that lost the baby to the one that supports the women that are having the
baby.

Kim: Do you think that your experience is what drives you to be that support now to other women?

Trudy: Absolutely.

Kim: What is your advice to anyone struggling with grief?

Trudy: They’re never alone. There’s always someone who’s been through something similar. That emotion has to come out, so you don’t feed the numb feeling, then you’ll probably be okay quicker. That took me a while.

I recommend a grief counsellor or grief support of some kind. Find a support group. Take up yoga or find a meditation group and know that it’s okay to sit in the feelings of it. Yes, you will cry, but it’s okay. It’s okay to be who you are, it’s okay to be angry and it’s okay to say, “Fuck the world I’m staying in bed”.