I hear people talking a lot about having resentments. But what exactly is a resentment? There’s a French verb “sentir”, which means “to feel”. There’s also a verb called “resentir”, which has a similar word construction to resentment. Loosely translated, resentir means to “re-feel.” And that’s what we’re doing with resentment. We are spending time in the perceived or actual wrongdoing of others, and re feeling the emotions from that situation.

Resentment is judging the behaviour of others, based on our own set of ideals.

In my experience, resentment is a spiritual and emotional cancer. It’s like drinking a cup of poison, and then waiting for another person to die. We are doing damage to our spiritual, emotional and physical bodies. When locked in resentment, we’re feeling rage, anger and hurt, over and over. If you’re like me, you also like to tell everyone about how you’ve been hard-done by. That’s classic victim mentality mindset, by the way. And in each re-telling of the story, it becomes more powerful and more toxic.

Here’s another problem that I have: I love to be right. You see, I have learned that I walk through life dragging this enormous rule book behind me, chained to my waist. This book, written by my ego, contains all the things that everyone “should” do in every situation. The second part of this massive tome includes the punishments that I will dispense when you break my rules. Of course, as a crazy person I expect everyone to intuitively know these rules. Even worse, I expect that you will want to follow my rules. Because I know better than you how things should be done.

As my 12-Step recovery friends say, I see myself as the Director of the world. If only everyone would follow my rules, then everything will go swimmingly. For me, that is. I will be happy, and I will graciously allow you to continue to inhabit the planet. As long as you follow the rules. My rules.

Can you see how this faulty logic can wreak havoc in our relationships with others? When I am marching around the world, treating it as my personal parade ground, I often step on the toes of my fellow humans. People who, like me, have character shortcomings. And they tend to retaliate against my megalomania, which is quite a surprise to me. So I redouble my efforts to be the Director and manage my life and the lives of everyone else. And that causes even more drama.

After many years of trying to be the Boss of Everything, pain and failed relationships drove me to seek another way of being in the world. I was taught three statements that have literally changed my life, and allowed me to be free from most resentments, anger and self-pity. They are:

#1. I give up.

#2. I don’t know.

#3. It’s none of my business.

Let’s start with #1. It was quite a shock for me to learn that I have not done well, trying to manage my life by myself. As a recovering alcoholic, my solution for everything was a substance. When you hurt me, I drank. When I was angry, I drank. Hell, when I was elated, I drank. So much for me knowing how to live life on life’s terms.

The simple truth is that I often don’t know what’s best for me. I need spiritual guidance and professional help to stay right-sized and grounded. I need to focus on me ONLY, and try to be the best Scott that I can be. That, my friends, is a full-time job. My spiritual coach often tells me: “When you are perfect, then you can judge others.” Ouch. I need to surrender my need to control my life and you.

The second profound truth flows from #1. If I don’t know what’s best for me, then I certainly do not know what’s best for you. I need to Mind My Own Business (#3).

When I starting working with my first spiritual coach 28 years ago, he asked me a very simple question: “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?” I was perplexed. I mean, the answer was so simple. I couldn’t understand why he asked me such a stupid thing. After sitting with this for a couple of minutes, he asked me again. And I replied: “What a stupid question. Of course, I want to be right!” And he smiled, shook his head, and said “Ah, now we come to the root of the problem in you.” I may not think much of myself, but I usually think only of myself.

The desire for happiness and the need to be right cannot co-exist.

Does this mean that we are supposed to ignore when others behave badly? Of course not. I am here to learn the spiritual path of the compassionate, detached observer. I try to have healthy boundaries, and to lovingly communicate with others about how their behaviour affects me. But I must not try to judge or criticise.

Here’s an example: I value honesty in my relationships, but have been shocked to learn that other people do not value honesty. So when I am confronted with dishonesty, I feel affronted and resentful. I want to criticise and complain. The spiritual response is to practice Contrary Action. I need to remember that I am not another person’s Goddess or judge. The only thing that I can control in a given situation is my response. And if I am dancing with people who do not have the same values as me, I can choose if I want to have a continuing relationship with people who are exercising their Goddess-given right to be different to me.

But if I want to be happy, I need to let go of being right and trying to control others.