Radical Thinking: Practicing Forgiveness

For you to begin
embracing forgiveness,
start by forgiving
yourself.

Last month I talked about the harmful nature of resentments, how toxic they can be, and how to release them. Let’s look now at expanding our spiritual devotions to include the noble virtue of forgiveness.

What exactly is forgiveness?

According to Wikipedia: “Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which one undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding a given offence, and overcomes negative emotions such as resentment and vengeance.” I am interested in the two words “intentional” and “voluntary.” It implies that I need to work at changing how I view and judge people and situations.

Practicing forgiveness had to begin with how I see myself. Through doing lots of self-work, I understand now that I am far from perfect. Like you, I have big fears and character flaws that frequently interfere with my relationships. For instance, most of us are afflicted with two types of fear:

1. That we’re going to lose what we have
2. That we’re not going to get what we want

When one or both of these fears are active, it triggers a bunch of ugly behaviours. They are often referred to as The Seven Deadly Sins: Pride, Anger, Sloth, Lust, Greed, Envy and Jealousy. And when they are present, I start to gather evidence that people are stupid, bad and wrong. My ego shifts the focus away from my self, so that I don’t have to confront or sit with my own unpleasant feelings.

If you really want to bust your ego, start practicing forgiveness by inserting the words “like me” in every criticism of others. For instance, “Like me, people can often be inconsiderate and selfish.” My 12-Step recovery friends often say, “Like me, people are often wrong and frequently sick.” Yuck. It kinda takes the fun out of proclaiming your own righteousness, doesn’t it?

Each day, I try to accept that I am just another imperfect bozo on the Life Bus, just like you. My spiritual advisor, a lovely man who I’ve been working with for 24 years, often says to me: “Scott, when you are perfect, then you can judge others.”

So if I’m not perfect, why do I expect others to be?

Let’s talk about some of the benefits of forgiveness. First of all, it burns a lot less energy than holding on to anger. It also sets me free from psychic, energetic and karmic entanglements. When I move out of staying stuck, there’s room and perspective for me to stop wanting to be right, and instead choosing to be happy.

If you relate to all this, I suggest introducing some healing prayers into your daily devotions. Praying for those we resent or hate is difficult but amazingly transformative. If someone is pissing you off or has hurt you, pray for them for two weeks. Start with the Prayer of Acceptance: “Goddess, save me from being angry. Like me, people are often fearful and frequently sick.” Then wish for them every gift and happiness that you want for yourself. You will be totally amazed if you do this, as anger dissipates.

Then recite The Serenity Prayer: “Goddess/Great Spirit, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the willingness to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

The third affirmation is a real “clanga,” as my Aussie friends say: “I acknowledge, accept and celebrate that I am exactly where I need to be in this glorious moment of Now, in all of my glorious imperfection. And I acknowledge, accept and celebrate that you are exactly where you need to be in this glorious moment of Now, in all of your glorious imperfection.” This gives us perspective and the first flowering of compassion, both for ourselves and others.

When you find yourself feeling hurt or triggered, ask yourself: “What would Buddha do?”

Would Buddha complain, gossip or feel victimised? Or would he calmly accept his lot, practicing forgiveness and sending compassionate love to himself and others?

Of course, feel your feelings when someone steps on your toes. Sit with it. Talk to a trusted advisor or guide. But don’t stay stuck, judging and criticising. Accept your flawed humanity and the humanity of the other, and send love to everyone. Pray for the highest good and greatest joy for all involved.

Then move on with your life, choosing joy.