Yes, Woman: Tips for Saying NO

Growing up I was a Yes woman…
“Can you come to my party?”… “Yes!”
“Can you cover this work shift?”… “Yes!”
“Can you hop on one leg and bark like a dog?”… “Yes!”

The only reasons I ever even considered saying no were alcohol, physical pain or death.

But guess what? I subconsciously wanted that hangover, that back pain, that anxiety that felt like life or death! For years I unknowingly used it as a reason to not follow through on a commitment, it was an excuse to say no, it was permission to rest.

I didn’t know how to say no or discern what the right choice was for me.

A lot of my yes’ came from a love for life and people, but a lot of it also came from FOMO (fear of missing out) wanting to please others out of a sense of obligation and feeling responsible for other people‘s feelings. I was terrified of letting people down. But in the process, I was letting myself down.

I was prioritising love for other people before prioritising love for myself. It brought me so much joy to support others, but I didn’t realise the great toll it was taking on my physical well-being and mental health. I was trying to shift this pattern for years and at times I was able to own my “no”, but sometimes I’d get scared of losing people and I’d end up giving in.

It wasn’t until I had panic attacks a few years ago that I was finally forced to more ruthlessly listen to my inner guidance, voice my inner “no” and prioritise my needs. At first, I felt like, in order to say yes to me first, I was saying no to everything! It helped me hear the inner voice more clearly and override it less often.

It felt so uncomfortable that at times I felt so isolated, I thought I was never going to have a close relationship ever again!

My biggest fear came from having to say no when people asked for emotional support. For most of my life I was the person people would go to when they were struggling emotionally. I’m the person who’s comfortable with tears and lets you know it’s ok to cry. I knew what to do, I knew what to say and no matter how I was feeling or what I was going through, I could put my stuff aside and be there for the other person.

And I’m not just talking about your average day-to-day friendship support, I’m talking Life Coach to ALL, including strangers in the supermarket, Buddhist Monks and even therapists!

But after my panic attacks a few years ago, my inner child had a different idea. She just wanted to play and have fun with friends, rather than have intense D&Ms. At that very time the whole world started falling apart (hello pandemic!) and pretty much everyone needed emotional support! I was like: “Seriously universe?” I felt like I was being punked!

Suddenly I started to get anxiety whenever
someone asked for support.

When I was put on the spot with no warning and someone started opening up to me about their pain, or I could sense that they were struggling emotionally, I began to have trouble putting aside how I was feeling to be there for them.

I felt like I’d lost my superpower. I thought I was losing myself! But I was actually getting closer to the essence of who I really am…

I was getting closer to my truest “Self”.

I was saying no to things that were unfathomable to say no to, like parties with friends, work opportunities and even supporting a friend with a breakup (my specialty!).

My biggest fear was that no one would want to be my friend, that no one would love me if I wasn’t their emotional therapist. It was a role I took on in my family when I was a child – the psych term is “Parentification”. I felt emotionally responsible for everyone and I’d been doing it most of my life. I was scared of what my relationships would look like if I didn’t fulfil this role. Physiologically, my nervous system was
scared for my survival.

Sarah Baldwin, a trauma coach I did an intensive course with, uses the example of the family unit being like a theatre production: Every family member has a role in the play. Everyone has lines that they must say in every performance. So when one person in the family stops saying their lines, it feels like the whole production is falling apart. When you start changing your behaviour, people are like: “Oi! Why
aren’t you saying your lines?!“

It can be scary, not just for us, but for loved ones who are afraid of losing us and the structure that has felt safe and secure to them for a long time.

At first, changing relationships can feel like chaos, but I was surprised to find that, most of the time, people responded really well to it and were incredibly understanding and when they weren’t, they usually came around! It was easier because I was working through my pain with coaching and healing practices like EFT and reparenting, so I was able to communicate with love.

As we slowly tolerate the uncomfortable feelings of speaking our truth and letting go of old structures, when we prioritise our inner child’s needs and learn to trust that we won’t abandon ourselves again, it helps the people around us do the same for themselves.

We get to shift dynamics that have caused generations of pain and as everyone learns to take care of themselves, we are able to love each other even more. Because our relationships are no longer dependent on what we can do for each other, they’re based on the love we share and the joy we experience together.

So if you’re going through a shift in your relationships, maybe you’re the person who’s changing your role and saying “No” for the first time, maybe you’re the person who’s saying “Oi you’re not saying your lines!”…

I just want to let you know, that no matter how scary it feels, or how alone you think you are, we are all in this together. Everything is not just going to be okay, it’s going to get even better.

You are worthy of love, even if you don’t do the thing you’ve always done for other people. You are worthy of love, even if someone is changing the dynamic in your relationship and it feels like they’re pulling away.

You are worthy of love. Because you ARE Love. And no person, place or relationship will ever change that.

Header image credit: 3803658 from Pixabay