The grief that accompanies the death of someone you love can smash you like a tonne of bricks, and take away your ability to remember how to breathe. And regardless of who you are, it is undoubtedly something that you will most likely experience throughout your life. It can be a challenging path to navigate, and it is important to remember you are not alone. In this ongoing series, we connect with our readers and discuss their experiences with loss, grief and healing. For this issue we interviewed Naomi. She shares her experience of losing her husband of 22 years to suicide.
“I can’t imagine a life without that grief being there now. It anchors me to Bruce, it reminds me of what a big part in my life he played…”
Kim: Naomi, you’ve shared with us previously that your husband passed recently, that he took his life? What were those initial days, weeks, and months like?
Naomi: Indescribable, I have been asked that a few times and I still can’t find the words. I was numb every day, and I would find myself glancing at the front door, waiting for Bruce to come home. I loved him, love him so much. It just happened so quickly, and I played that last time I saw him over and over in my mind for months. Was there something I could have done differently? Said, differently? I think I have analysed every last word he spoke to me to see if there was some kind of clue. But I don’t think there was. He was acting so normal. I thought that everything was okay.
I went to work, I thought he had gone to work too. But when I came home, he was dead. The pain pretty much ripped me apart. Thankfully, and I have only begun to see this now, we didn’t have children that had to suffer losing a father. It was just me. Alone in the world.
Kim: What did you turn to for solace?
Naomi: Nothing could console me at first. I was just broken and everywhere I turned a memory of Bruce would be staring me in the face. I would go through phases where I was so angry at him that I would rip down all our photos. And then the next day I would put them up again. That happened a few times before the anger began to subside and outbursts became less. My family, my mum especially would just stand there and let me process, let me release all the rage I had inside. I can look back now and know that having them present for me helped me feel safe to let my rage out, instead of holding it in. So, I suppose to answer your question, my solace was being able to release my emotions in an environment I felt safe in.
Kim: What was the turning point for you?
Naomi: This is going to sound strange, but I think it was the day that I got out of bed and opened the curtains to let the morning sun in. I didn’t realise until I had done that how ‘in the dark’ I had kept myself and our home after Bruce passed. I had stopped wanting to meet the day.
I think that sunlight was accompanied by a little bit of hope. I didn’t realise it was the turning point for me at the time, and it certainly wasn’t a big one. It certainly was a step towards it though.
Kim: Is the grief and overwhelm still threaded throughout your daily life?
Naomi: Yes, every day. I can’t imagine a life without that grief being there now. It anchors me to Bruce, it reminds me of what a big part in my life he played, we’d been married for almost 22 years. The pain of losing him and all the memories I am going to miss making with him will never go away.
Kim: How has healing looked like?
Naomi: Gratitude has become my best friend. I had to find something to anchor me to life too otherwise I would have joined him. So, it has been seeking out the things in my life I still have to be grateful for that has helped me walk that path of healing the most. It was a stretch at first of course, and guilt accompanied a lot of what I wanted to feel grateful for because Bruce wasn’t here to experience those moments with me. But he made his choice, and when I learnt to accept that, I could separate my experiences from experiences I should have been sharing with him. I am not sure if that sounds logical, but that’s how it was. And I let gratitude become my new best friend.
Kim: That’s a powerful way to see things. Do you find it helps?
Naomi: I think so. When you go through something like losing a partner, any death really, you need to find whatever works for you and hold on to that. Live it and breathe it if you can. If it is something healthy for you of course.
Kim: What would your advice be to someone struggling through the death of someone they love?
Naomi: Don’t lock your emotions away, because regardless of how you try to hide them, they are going to come up. So, express them and be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself as you would a delicate flower.
Also, remember the good times, honour their memories, and honour the plans you had together. Was there something special you had always wanted to do together? Visit another country perhaps? Just do it anyway.
Whether you want to acknowledge it now or not, you have the rest of your life to live. That’s a gift.
Kim: What do you hope the future holds for you?
Naomi: I’m not quite sure I am ready for it yet, but love. I want the future to hold love for me. A partner I can grow old with, and I know that Bruce would have wanted this for me too.
Kim: Is there anything else you feel important to share?
Naomi: Never leave something on your mind unsaid because what if you never get the chance to tell them?
Fierce Truths Magazine
- Fierce Truths Magazine
- Fierce Truths Magazine
- Fierce Truths Magazine
- Fierce Truths Magazine
